My Child Just Started Kindergarten and It's NOT Going Well!

You guys were all ready.  New clothes, supplies, snacks, were all set.  He knew all his numbers and letters, and was even starting to read a few words.  This was gonna be awesome.  A picture in front of the house on the first day and she got on the bus or your dropped him off in the first carpool.  All smiles and expectations.

Then you got the first email from the teacher.

She's not behaving.  He's not finishing his work.  She can't sit still during circle time.  His Kindergarten screening found some possible learning issues.  You aren't sure whom this teacher is writing about, because it's not YOUR kid!  There were no problems in preschool, you know she's smart, she's never hit another child before!  Why does he cry everyday when I drop him off?

First of all, I'm sorry things are not going well.  Like the bride caught outdoors in a cloudburst during the vows, this is a major event that has not lived up to expectations.  It stinks.  If this is your first child, it stinks even worse because this is probably the first time expectation has not matched reality.  Been there, done that.  So did my parents.  So has just about every parent on the planet.  It's not easy, but you will survive.

The issue at hand is trying to figure out what is going on, and taking steps to improve the situation.  Those steps may need to be taken at home, or at school.  Most likely they will need to be taken both places.  Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1.  "What previous experience has my child had with a large group of children?"  How big were the preschool classes?  Did she even go to preschool?  Classrooms with upwards of 20+ children can be noisy places with a lot of activity that may be confusing.  That might be part of the issue.

2.  "How are the expectations for behavior at school the same or different from those at home?"  Does school expect your child to be more self-controlled without several reminders? Does the school have higher expectations for things like sitting still and being kind to others?  If so, and you want your child to meet those expectations at school, you will need to change them at home to match.  Are the expectations lower?  That can cause confusion.  In that case you may need to explain why standards are higher at home.

3.  "How much emphasis have I placed on my child excelling?"  Be honest with yourself.  Are your expectations for behavior or academic achievement too high for your child right now?  Are they too high for any five-year-old?  No matter what you say to your child, they know what your expectations are.  They also know when they aren't meeting them.  Sadly, it's not unusual for a young child who is struggling to tell me that they aren't "doing good."  They will not be able to tell me what that means, but they know they have a problem.

4.  "Is my child ready for Kindergarten?"  Some five-year-old aren't, either academically or socially.  This link can help answer that question: http://school.familyeducation.com/kindergarten/school-readiness/38491.html.  Like every other aspect of school, Kindergarten has changed dramatically in the last few decades.  Teachers expect children to come in the first day ready to learn.  School can be stressful for a child who is not ready, and their school career begins on a negative note.  It is OK to give them the gift of an extra year.

So now you have answered all of those questions, and there still doesn't seem to be any reason why your child is having difficulty.  Here is what you should now ask of the school:

• If your child is having behavior issues you should request a meeting with the teacher and the principal as soon as possible.  At that meeting you should request an observation, and ask what will happen long term.  You should also request that the school provides some sort of brief daily behavior report via paper, text or email. That way you are hearing about good days and minor issues as well as serious ones.  Your school counselor should meet with your child to see if they can help. The counselor can also see if you need some extra professional help outside of school.
• If your child seems anxious, you should ask to meet with the teacher to see if they have suggestions. They might have observed situations that seem to trigger the anxiety. When separation is an issue, the teacher might have suggestions on how to improve the transition. If the anxiety doesn't not start to ease off after the first few weeks of school, or seems to get worse, you should also consult the school counselor.
• If your child is having trouble managing the academic material, your first step is to request a meeting with the teacher.  Even a child who can write numbers and words at home may still have a learning issue that a parent cannot see.  Most schools do some sort of screening for incoming Kindergarten students.  You should let the teacher know in advance that you would like to review that screening along with seeing examples of you child's work.  If the data provided seems to indicate that your child is having difficulty, you should ask if the school has a student support team or student assistance team.  This process usually provides a child with research-based strategies to improve learning.

    Often children are having difficulty in more than one of these areas.  For example, anxiety can contribute to poor academic performance.  Likewise, a child who feels frustrated with academics can act out.  It's important to make sure that your meetings with school personnel take all issues and factors into account.  School personnel need to collect the correct data in all areas. That data must present the most complete picture of what is happening with the child.

Now that we have spoken about what you should request from the school, here are some things that you need to do:

1. Take a breath.  I will guarantee you that your child is not the only one in a group of 25 that is having difficulty.  This bump in the road, as much as it stinks, does not mean you are a bad parent.  It does mean you have to adjust your expectations for this school year.  With your consistent effort, things will get better.


2.  Do not refer to the child as "bad".  The behavior is inappropriate, not the child.  Children who see themselves as "bad" have a very hard time finding incentive or the possibility to change.  Please do not do this.  Period.

3.  Listen to your child, then check with the teacher or principal.   Five-year-olds love attention.  They figure out pretty quickly how to tell a story that will give them just that - whether it's telling Mom that they are bullied, or telling the teacher that they didn't eat breakfast. (And they tell us all sorts of interesting things........)  Sometimes they are not lying deliberately.  They have a fuzzy idea of the difference between fantasy and reality.  They also have a fuzzy idea of time. They can combine something that happened in the morning with something that happened in the afternoon into one event.  This to say that as a parent you have to trust, but verify.  BTW, even if they have an 8th grade vocabulary, they still have a fuzzy sense of reality and time.  It's kind-of like even though they have an 8th grade vocabulary, they are still only 3 feet tall.  So please do not mistake advanced speech for advanced development.  They are two different things.

4.  Reward positive behavior.  Yep, deliberately kicking a classmate should have a negative consequence at home.  Those of us at school actually count on that.  I don't care whether the child was provoked or not.  On the other hand, disrupting circle time maybe doesn't have a consequence, but sitting still has a reward.  "You did your job well today, so you get to take a walk with Mom or Dad" or extra LEGO time, etc.  Research has demonstrated time and time again that rewarding positive behavior has more of an effect than punishing negative behavior.  This tends to be true when the negative behavior is not too serious.  Behaviors best managed through positive reinforcement include disrupting or distracting others, not obeying certain rules, or not finishing schoolwork.

So Mom and Dad (or Grandma and Grandpa), with your consistent help, things will gradually get better.  Please do not wait for the situation to go away with time.  It might, but an attitude toward school, one that is not positive, may be forged in the meantime.  I have a friend who still remembers being sent home from Kindergarten on the first day because he fell off the jungle gym.  That's probably not exactly what happened, but the memory is "I screwed up on the first day of school and had to come back the next year."  His folks probably felt the same way, which is why they never said anything to him about it.  This memory is now 45 years old.  Partner with your school and make some positive things happen.  Email/msg/tweet me if you need help.  FB - Pamela Mecca Seymour, LPC, Twitter @pam327.

Stress and the Classroom Teacher

For about a year now I have been searching for research studies on teacher stress in American public schools.  I haven’t found any.  There have been some done in the UK, but I haven’t found any here.  I started looking because I want to give my colleagues some research-based ideas about why they might be stressed and how to cope.  No luck.  Looks like I have to just take a crack at it myself.

I think that the stressors teachers face is obvious to them, but not to the general public.  You have to experience being responsible for educating a group of children in a school to understand.  Substituting or volunteering will give you an idea. But truly understanding the load of stress comes from actually having to take responsibility for the classroom and what happens there.

As a teacher, it is your job to take a group of children from wherever you get them to point “X”.  That has to happen within ten months.   At this point I can go into the 25 reasons why this is at least a difficult task.  But we’ve heard them all before - low pay, the devastation poverty creates for children trying to learn, to the lack of resources, etc., etc.

I want to talk about some possible solutions for combating the unique combination of stressors on teachers.  These are just ideas from my own personal experience and observation – I would love to hear any others that people might have.

1.     Remember that your job is really, really, important……..  I think teaching is as important and complicated as practicing some types of medicine.  You may not be saving a life, but you are definitely creating future doctors.  If you ask anyone to name four formative experiences from childhood, I'll bet at least two of them involve school.  You are instrumental in developing capable humans. Treat yourself as a professional with a brain.  Read new things.  Try new ideas.  Become active in the larger education community and your professional organizations.  You are a professional and you need to act like it.

2.    ………….but also remember that young humans are not created in a single school year.  No matter how many standards are set by legislatures and departments of education, children are never all going to progress at the same rate in a given year.  It simply doesn’t happen.  One or two children in your class may not learn all of their multiplication facts this year.  And it’s OK.  Because if you are there in the moment with what they are ready to do instead, you will have provided what they need.  Which is success and confidence.  The rest will come along too.

3.     Leave some slush in the schedule.  A few years ago I worked for a Principal who used to tell faculty not to stress if they didn’t get to end of the textbook by June.  She advised instead to go as far as the children and the teacher were able with consistent effort.  If you have every day tightly planned, you are setting yourself up for a lot of stress.  If this is your first year teaching, you will get sick.  Probably in the spring.  If you have young children, they will get sick too.  Other stuff happens.  Stuff outside of school that you have to deal with.  Allow yourself and the children some days of review or autopilot. Then when the unexpected happens you are not spending the next three weeks frantically trying to catch up.  You will most likely end up in just about the same place at the end of the year anyway, with a lot less stress on you and the children.

4.     Let the children help you.  I work in a Montessori school.  A central tenet to Montessori pedagogy is that children should be in control of their work within a carefully prepared and structured environment.  Children in the Montessori classroom engage in more activities than just academics.  They also take part in keeping the classroom organized and clean.  They help each other with school work and chores, and they take part in developing rules and routines.  It’s remarkable what children are capable of if the proper conditions are met.  Maybe that child is advanced in math and is somewhat bored.  She might like to spend some time helping another student who is struggling.  (Hopefully you are letting them find a way to do math at their level, too.)  Is that teacher closet a total mess?  Older elementary school students would love to spend time reorganizing it.  They might even stay after school to do it if it means extra time with you.  Look around your classroom at things that you would like to do.  How can the children help?  This is not about free labor.  It’s about freeing you up to do more of what is most pressing, while teaching children how to build a classroom community.

5.    Understand the real reason that parent might be acting like a total jerk.  Oh, I know that email was ugly and upsetting.  The child is having a lot of trouble right now, and the parent is making it clear that it’s all your fault.  Except that might not be the case.  If you have done your best, owned up if you messed up, this may no longer be about you.  Parents have a lot of guilt when their children have problems in school.  (BTW – It might not be their fault either.  Sometimes children just need to work through a difficult time with help from several different adults.)  Guilt can make parents crazy.  So don’t take it personally and/or assume you are a rotten teacher.  It may just be “guilt overflow.”

6.    Stay away from negative colleagues.  I don’t care what school I’ve been in, according to at least one faculty member at each place it was going to hell in a hand basket.  Like I don’t have time for that anymore.  The job is difficult enough as it is.  Every school has problems.  No Principal is perfect.  Look for people in your school who are problem solvers and hang with them.  They will still complain, but if they are trying to improve things, their positive attitude will rub off on you.  Believe me, you will feel less tired and defeated.

7.    Walk out of the classroom when you can.  Alone.  Without the entire class in tow.  (Hopefully they allow you to do this in your school.) I’m not talking about every 30 minutes, but if they leave for a special or you can grab someone to stand in the door for a few.  How many of us spend virtually the entire day in the classroom?  Even at lunch time?  It’s not healthy.  Go to the bathroom and freshen up if you feel like it.  Get coffee.  Stare out the window for a minute.  Take a walk outside, or visit the library.  Look at the latest projects outside of the art room.  You get the idea.  I doubt anything disastrous will happen while you are gone.

8.    Remember your oxygen mask.  When you fly, the stewardess always tells you to put your own mask on before assisting a child.  This is a good metaphor.  If you pass out from your own lack of oxygen, you cannot possibly help the child.  Likewise, if you “pass out” because of stress at work, you can’t be an effective teacher.  So take time for yourself.  Try the things here and other stress relieving things as well.  Take a day when you need it.  Find someone you trust to talk to if you need to.

You are definitely worth it.

How to Get to School On Time

For those who are now grumbling at me after the last post, here is a follow-up.  Remember that I am a chronically late person, and I live with three other people who have some form of ADHD.  We are all recovering “late-a-holics”.  Here are some things that I have used to get places on time – particularly in the morning before school.  Hopefully they will help you.

1.    Find a reason for being on time.  If not being late is not important to you, nothing below will make a difference.  People have different reasons for wanting to be certain places on time.  When my children were in high school and had to drive 40 minutes one way, getting up and out the door with plenty of commute time was a trade-off to Saturday School.  Maybe you just want your child to have time to transition in the morning.   Maybe you want them to learn that being on time is important.  Whatever the reason, you need to find it so that you will want to be prompt.

2.    Look at what you are doing right before you leave.  This is especially important in the mornings.  Can anything on the “to do” list be done the night before?  How about on Sunday?  I know one family that puts lunch components in plastic bags and containers on Sunday for the entire week.  Then they pull the lunch together the night before.  How about showers at night instead of in the morning?  I even know some families that give baths and put the younger children to sleep in the shirt they will wear to school the next day.  Can anything be eliminated?  Can the garbage go out in the afternoon instead of in the morning? 

3.    Resist the urge to get sidetracked.  Your routine should be your routine.  In other words, don’t load the dishwasher or clean the cat box one morning if it’s not something you normally do, or try a new hairdo that takes extra time.

4.    Have a bathroom schedule.  Not only does this streamline everyone’s routine, but it will also cut down on those folks who like to spend 25 minutes in the shower.  If you need to, put a timer in the bathroom and set it. 

5.    Cut down on electronic distractions.  No TV, phones, iPads, or other electronics before leaving.  Period.  This includes the grown-ups.  If your job means early morning email, it should be finished before your children wake up so that they have your full attention. 

6.    Speaking of being ready before the kids………This will probably be the least favorite suggestion, but do you get up before the kids?  How about getting up early enough so that you are dressed, fed, and ready to go out the door?  You can then spend your time getting everyone else ready.  If you are not distracted with your own activities, it’s harder for the little people to wander instead of putting on shoes, etc.

7.    Skip the drive-thru.   It’s actually not a guaranteed time saver.  You know that rule that says when you are cutting your time close, the guy in front of you will have four separate orders or the credit card machine will not be working.  While you are putting together lunches on Sunday, put together grab and go breakfasts as well.  They will probably be cheaper and have less fat.

8.    Allow for traffic.  Assume there will be an accident.  Better to arrive 20 minutes early than 10 minutes late.  A lot of smart phones will now estimate the time it takes to get to where you are going quite accurately at any given time.  If you have that feature, you can check on things 15 minutes before you would normally leave and possibly get out the door a few minutes sooner.

If you have other ways that you get places (especially to school) on time, I would love to hear about them.  Different things work for different people.  Feel free to comment below.  Find me on FB at Pamela Mecca Seymour, LPC or on Twitter @Pam327.

Why getting to school on time is really important.

This morning I spent some time in a classroom while their teacher was finishing a meeting.  The majority of children were there right on time and ready to begin.  The teacher assistant greeted the children at the door and gave them a warm-up work to do until it was time for morning meeting.  It was a 5-10 minute activity.

Three children arrived late and did not have time to start the activity before being called to the rug.  One child was visibly anxious about this and came to me saying, “I haven’t started tracing my numbers yet!”  I assured her that it would be all right and that she would have time to finish the activity later. But as she watched the other children putting their work in the completion basket, the look on her face told me she remained unconvinced.  I wondered how well the child was able to hear what the adult was saying in morning meeting. She did not raise her hand at all.  I wondered if she was still thinking about that worksheet. 

We all know how hard it is to “catchup” during the day when we start behind.  I hope the rest of her day is better.

Until I spent time in classrooms early in the morning, I did not appreciate how late arrival can mess up a child’s day. It can also mess up the classroom.  This particular morning there were no children that came in and interrupted morning meeting, but I know that often happens in other rooms.  Coming in late puts the “late arrivee” on the spot for anything they might have missed.  Moreover, everyone's attention diverts to the person putting up their water bottle, lunch, etc.  Children are missing what the teacher is saying.  And what she is saying first thing in the morning is pretty important.  If it’s just one child, the teacher can check in with the group and make sure everyone got everything.  But if it happens four times over 10-15 minutes, it becomes difficult to regroup.  Everyone ends up getting pretty frustrated.

I’m not talking to the parent that is late to school once a quarter.  I’m talking to the folks that are late more than once a week.  Now before you get all irritated with me,  I will tell you that I used to be chronically late.  I misjudge the time and try to stuff too much activity into the period right before I have to leave to go places.  The only reason my kids were at school on time was because I worked in the front office and had to be in the building early in the day.  Most important, I didn’t think it was a big deal to be 15-20 minutes late all the time.  Finally, a good friend of mine left me behind one day when I didn't meet her to carpool because I was 15 minutes late yet again.  She was fed-up.  The day after that, another good friend and psychologist told me that chronic lateness is just passive aggressive behavior towards the person you are holding up.  I guess that’s why it feels so rude.

I can’t tell you that I was never late after that, but I decided that being on time was going to be important.  I just realized I wanted to give people more respect, and I wanted to stop arriving at places feeling rushed and scattered. 

Isn’t that something you want to teach your child?

"Who does this charter school belong to, anyway?"

I am fortunate to have worked at two different charter schools in several different capacities.  I am also the parent of children who attended a charter school where I worked as an assistant director.  I was one of a group of people that helped start a second one - a dual language Montessori school.  I currently work at the school as their school counselor.  Starting that school and my involvement with it over 15 years has been a defining work in my life.

In North Carolina, where my charter school operates, charter schools are independent public schools.  Even though North Carolina has had charter schools since 1997, many people are still confused about this.  In North Carolina, charter schools must abide by many groups of regulations that govern traditional public schools.  These include enrolling children without charging them any tuition or fees, abiding by the NC Open Meetings Law, fiscal compliance including yearly audits, attendance laws, federal special education laws, federal student privacy laws, teacher licensure, and state accountability (testing) standards.  Charters have freedom that traditional public schools do not in how they spend state and local resources (federal money is still subject to restrictions on how it is used), the type of faculty members they employ (not everyone has to be licensed), and class size.

In 2001 the North Carolina State Board of Education approved our Charter plan.  That plan became a contract between our Board of Directors and the State of North Carolina. The Department of Public Instruction oversees our school and out charter plan.  In summary, our charter (contract) boils down to the operation of a K-8th grade school that uses the Montessori method of instruction (pedagogy) that provides dual-language education in English and Spanish.  This contract, or charter, is the essence of our school.

Recently, we have had some "troubles" at school.  Our current difficulties are not unusual in any school community, but has been a source of sadness for me, and for many other people who love our little community and who work hard to grow and develop it.  One particular email that was sent to the entire school community encouraged other angry parents to "take back our school."  That got me thinking about the "our" in that sentence.  Who is the "our," anyway?  I think it's important to look at each constituent group, starting with the Board of Directors.

Charter schools don't belong to the Board of Directors.  The Board of Directors is the governing body and the ultimate authority within the school community, but they have restrictions.  In North Carolina, the Board of Directors of a charter school must oversee policy and procedure that serve to implement the contract between the school and the state Department of Public Instruction.  They must also oversee policies and procedures that meet federal, state and local laws and regulations.  They answer to the Department of Public Instruction and through that agency, all other applicable agencies.  They cannot decide to change the mission of the school, limit the types of students that can enroll beyond what is already in the charter, or anything else that fundamentally changes the school from the description that is outlined in the charter.

Charter schools don't belong to administration, staff and faculty.  I think a lot of charter school employees will tell you that they give up some tangible benefits for intangible ones in a charter school.  Often they are asked to do more with less, and may be asked to take on added responsibilities.  They might tell you that the trade-off is taking part in a community where they feel a bit closer to the people that make decisions that affect their daily work lives and the success they have with children.  Charter school employees are often the difference between an effective school and one that is struggling.  But the school does not "belong" to them.  They would be the first to tell you that they cannot function effectively without strong governance from the Board of Directors and a lot of help from parents.  Employees who feel differently are not going to be helpful to the community as a whole.

Speaking of parents, doesn't the school belong to them?  After all, they are the school's "customers."  Charter schools have a lot of parent involvement - of time, talent and treasure.  One of the indicators of the success of any school is its amount of parent involvement.  So shouldn't we do what the majority of parents want?  Well, I would agree that parents have a voice and that they should use it.  Constructively.  The Board of Directors must listen to parents and answer their concerns with as much speed and transparency as possible.  To do otherwise is to condemn a school to limp along.  The front door will be very active with people coming and then going.  On the other hand, parents have to realize that their decision to enroll their child at a charter school is a choice.  Part of the choice you made is to trust that a group of people can operate the organization effectively.  It is not the job of the Board of Directors to change the school just because a majority of parents want it.  Nor is it the job of the Board of Directors to allocate funds/hire and fire/create policy according to parent wishes.  The job of the Board of Directors is to allocate funds and operate the school in the manner that they believe will best fulfill the requirements of the charter.  If that is not happening, parents should complain within the school grievance structure.  If that doesn't work, they should complain to the agency that oversees the Board of Directors.

What about the people that started the place?  The founders?  Shouldn't we defer to them?  Well, no.  Anyone who has studied organizational theory knows that schools go through stages.  Often the people that were excellent at getting the place running are not so effective when things settle into a routine.  Especially if the original operation of the charter isn't working and needs to be changed or renewed.  New ideas and new people need to mix with the school history and "the way we've always done things" to create a vibrant school that is constantly moving forward.  Making those necessary changes can be met with resistance from folks who have been around for awhile.  So even though their input is valuable to keep from reinventing the wheel, the community should not be left solely in their hands.

So who is left?  That would be the entire community.  Charter schools also "belong" to the conditions of the contract between the school and the state that oversees its operation.  The Board of Directors has the responsibility to make sure that the school abides by that contract.  Faculty have the responsibility to implement the policies and procedures created by the Board and to contribute positively to their development.  Parents who choose the school for their children have a responsibility to make sure their child is safe and thriving, and that the Board of Directors are doing what they can to support the implementation of the charter.  Founders have the responsibility to be the keepers of experience and promoters of positive change. Although a charter school operates for the immediate benefit of the children enrolled each school year, it ultimately benefits the entire school community and indeed the larger local community.  That benefit to the larger community is why most societies provide free appropriate public education to their children; something that has been a strong tradition in the United States since the country began.  In essence, when everyone works together, the school becomes a strong independent entity that can accomplish marvelous things for the children it serves -  because nothing else is more important than that.

Should We Return to the Same School in the Fall?

When I was a child, the concept of school choice did not exist.  There were private schools nearby, but to change public schools, you had to move to another local district.  Now we have much more choice, even in many rural areas.  Even in districts where there is not a lot of choice, parents have the option of home schooling.  My children have attended schools of choice.  They also attended the neighborhood school.  I have to admit that it was often a difficult decision for us to decide what we were going to do from year to year. 

Many parents face this decision when their child develops problems in school. It also becomes and issue when the school itself is experiencing difficulty.  I think this is a question you need to begin to think about mid-year every year.  That gives you time to apply for magnet, charter and private schools so that if you come to the end of the year and need to make a change, you are not stuck.  But even in June you may not be able to make a clear decision.

This post will help you cut through the clutter a bit to boil your decision down to a few important questions.  Whether to change schools is a decision that you need to make rationally, but with a contribution of your gut feeling.  Remember that it’s impossible to completely predict what the future will bring for your child and your school.  But you can make reasonable assumptions.

It’s important to answer these questions according to what “is," not what the school aspires to be.  Even the best schools have a gap between the mission statement and how things actually operate on the ground.

These are the five main questions I would ask myself if I were evaluating whether to leave my child at their current school.  This list is in my particular order of importance with the most important consideration at the top.  Your order might be different.

1.    Is the school safe?
I believe that this is your most important consideration, no matter the order of the rest of the questions.  If the answer to this question is not a solid “yes," nothing else matters.  When I ask if the school is safe, I am referring to physical and emotional safety.  Does the school have a written safety plan?  Is the building secure?  What type of program or philosophy does the school have about bullying or harassment?  Is it a written policy?  Is the playground well maintained and well supervised?  Schools have different types of safety considerations. Thos considerations depend on their location, the age of the children in the building, what types of businesses or activities are nearby, etc.  School/district plans, policies and procedures should reflect their individual need.   My children went to middle school on the edge of a higher crime neighborhood.  The school drew students from that same area.  Early in their second year, a child brought an unloaded gun to school.  When I arrived in carpool that afternoon, the Assistant Principal handed be a letter from the Principal.  It described the incident and the school’s response.  My children had not even heard about what happened – the school handled it without interrupting their day.  I never before felt uncomfortable about sending my children to that school, but even that incident did not change my mind.  The school had plans and contingencies that they followed. 
2.    Is my child making academic progress?
When I talk about academic progress, I am not talking about high grades across the board.  Just like us, children have years with a lot of growth, and years where the growth is a little bit slower.  On the whole, is your child moving forward?  Are they on or above grade level?  (If your child has special needs, read below…..)  Is progress frequently monitored by the school and communicated to you?  Is extra help available and offered if progress begins to slow?  Does the school use a variety of methods to track and communicate progress?  You need to make sure that any issues are spotted early and addressed in an appropriate and timely manner.  Help might not mean individual help or testing.  It might mean a different type of homework for your child.  It might mean your child is part of a small group that is getting extra help.  If your child is academically advanced, it might mean different work or time in a different classroom to keep them interested and moving ahead.
3.    Is my child learning good work habits?
Qualities such as resilience, perseverance and the ability to overcome frustration are the best predictors of school success.  How does your school address these qualities?  Is it something that is active as part of the school day and the school curriculum?  Does the school provide extra help for your child if they struggle with work completion? How about organization or working most of the time with an appropriate level of effort?  Schools develop work habits in children in different ways.  Some schools try to develop intrinsic (internal) motivation.  Some use reward – recognition for good grades, awards, etc.  Some use a combination of the two.  Does the motivational method your school employs match well with your child’s personality?
4.    Does the structure of the school match my child and our family?
All schools have a structure.  At one extreme is the school that allows children to do what they want with a the lowest level of rules, reward, and punishment.  At the other extreme is the school that controls everything that children do.  Most schools are somewhere in the middle.  Some children feel more comfortable and thrive in an environment with the type of structure that actively tells children what they need to be doing and how to do it.  Other children need lots of rules and consequences.  Still others need freedom.  If the level of discipline and control at school matches home, children will be comfortable.  That same structure should match your values as parents.  Is the administration and governance of the school at the level of formality you like?  Maybe it’s informal, and everyone calls the principal by her first name, including the children.  Her door is always open, but regular written communication is non-existent.  Maybe making a complaint requires a formal process, and there are no “drop in” meetings.  What type of an administrative structure makes you the most comfortable?
5.    Is my child happy?
Does your child love their school?  They should.  They should have at least 2-3 positive relationships with other children. They should also have at least one positive relationship with an adult in the building other than an adult in their classroom.  They should feel as though they are part of a community; that they “belong”.  If the answer to this question is “no," you need to find out why.  Maybe the school community values conformity and your child is outside whatever the norm is.  We want to think of schools as welcoming, peaceful places where all children can get along, but that’s not always reality.  Can you imagine a different type of school where your child would be happy?  If you can, perhaps it’s time for a move.  If not, there may be other issues such as undiagnosed learning issues, anxiety, depression, or an issue at home.  A move in that case may not help; indeed the stress of learning a new routine and making new friends at a new place might be detrimental.

Beside these five considerations, there are some others that might apply to you:

Special Education Services – If your child has an IEP or a 504 plan, or qualifies for one, does the school meet their needs?  Are they getting enough help and the right help to keep making progress at a level appropriate for them?  Private schools often have remedial help.  But will they modify a child’s work or testing to accommodate a disability?  Does your child need those modifications?  Perhaps a traditional public school, public magnet school or public charter school will be able to do more.  Maybe your charter school uses inclusion EC services and your child needs to go to a different setting.  Maybe you would rather have your child in a regular classroom and pay for extra help outside of school.  Whatever the case, your school should respond to the needs of your child, or be clear about their limitations.

School Drama – Having worked at several different schools, I can tell you that all schools have drama.  There are always some parents and teachers that are happy, and some that are not.  People like to chat, and some people live for controversy.  Often how you think of the school depends on whom you talk to.  If the drama does not affect your child, you probably don’t need to worry about it.  You will know if it’s affecting your child if there are problems with the first five questions at the top of the article.   If the drama gets bad enough, it can affect the climate of the school.  In that case, you will begin to see children who do not feel safe, teachers who are too distracted to do what they need to, and administration that is constantly reacting instead of being proactive.   Is your child thriving and either blissfully ignorant of what is going on or doesn’t really care?  Pulling your child from school out of spite for a teacher or the school administration is not helpful for the child or your family. 

Commute -  Parents are willing to sacrifice their time and effort to take a child to a school outside the neighborhood.  Sometimes though, the length of time spent in the car may not be worth it.  We tend to dismiss the stress from “car time” because it’s such a routine activity.  If morning routine is constantly stressful or evening constantly exhausting because you are driving over 30 minutes to school, you may want to take a second look to see if something closer to home will meet your child’s needs just as well.

If your answer to any of the first five questions indicates it’s time to find a new school, you might want to let administration know.  Perhaps your issue is one that other parents are having as well, and the school needs to address it.  By letting the school know about why you have decided to leave, you are giving them important data about their program, policies and procedures.  The best way to do this is a brief face-to-face meeting, but only if it can remain civil on both sides.  If that isn’t going to happen, a letter is also a good way to let the school know what’s going on.  Be specific but refrain from getting personal.  Make sure to send a copy of your letter to the district office, the Board of Directors or whatever authority is ultimately responsible for school governance.

Once you have made your decision, please respect those who decide to stay.  Their circumstances and priorities may be different from yours.  If there is currently school drama, it's not your job to "take as many people as possible" with you.  You might be furious about a particular situation, but others may decide that the school is still the best choice for their family. Moreover, chances are that there are staff and families that have put a lot of effort into the school and should be respected for their work. 

I hope that you are happy with your school and that your child is thriving.  If you have a difficult decision to make, hopefully this article will help.

As always, your comments below are welcome.   Have other questions?  You can contact me on twitter @Pam327, and on FB at Pamela Mecca Seymour, LPC.

Our Favorite Teacher has Not Been Invited Back!

This post is mostly for parents of kids at charter and private schools, although some aspects of this also apply to traditional public school.  When a teacher leaves to move out of the area, start a family, or take a better position elsewhere, we are often sad but we understand.  When a well-loved teacher does not have their contract renewed by the school, it’s a different situation.  We often don’t understand.  Here are some thoughts on how to handle the situation, which is difficult and stress-filled for everyone involved:

1.  Don’t talk about your unhappiness, speculate, trash the principal or other staff, or gossip about the situation in front of your child.  Please.  Little people talk to each other, and they often don’t get the facts quite right.  You are feeding the gossip mill in the worst way possible, and probably upsetting your child more than they already are.

2.    Don’t assume that just because a contract was not renewed, the school is saying that the person is a bad teacher or a bad person, or has “made up” something bad about the individual.  We have all worked with people in different settings who we liked personally and who did a good job who were just not a good fit.  Maybe there’s a personality conflict.  Maybe the person has a great deal of talent around a certain philosophy or method that would fit better elsewhere. 

3.    Accept that you don’t “know” the whole story.  I don’t care how much you volunteer, how many kids you have at the school, how well connected you are with a faculty member, etc., you probably don’t know the whole story.  Period.

4.    Realize that the school is not going to give you an explanation.  They can’t.  By demanding a justification, you are in effect demanding that the school violate the teacher’s privacy.  The school owes the teacher an explanation, but not parents.  If this individual that you love so much has done some things that they are not proud of (and remember you don’t know if they do or not), do you really want to demand that their issue be aired in front of the entire school community?  If you do, then the situation is more about you than it is about kindness and fairness to the teacher.

5.    If you are at a school of choice, your decision to enroll your child means you trust the administration to make personnel decisions.  If you don’t, you should find another school.  Hiring and firing cannot be done according to teacher popularity, or decided by children, or changed by parent demand.  Aside from a chaos that situation would create, it would give teachers incentive to place parent regard above the needs of their students.  A good teacher knows that sometimes they are not going to be the most popular person with all of their parents, but they may be more effective than someone who is worried about not seeming “nice”.

6.    Use the proper channels to complain.  This means face-to-face meetings or putting your thoughts in writing to the proper people.  Usually that means an administrator or administrators, a Board of Directors next, and then a governing authority such as the state education agency or the diocesan office, etc.  It does not include gossiping in the parking lot, or putting ugly posts up on Facebook.  Your ultimate method of protest is to send your child to another school.   However, I will emphasize once again that before you put complaints in writing to a governing body or remove your child from a school because of a personnel change, you want to make sure that you have your facts correct.

Remember that the people who need the most focus in this situation are your child and the teacher.  This is not about you and your control over what happens at school. 

Your child needs to hear that you are sad that the teacher is leaving, but that you might not be able to answer all of their questions about why.  Remind them that you still think their teacher was a good for them and that you think they are a good person, and the school may not be saying otherwise.  Tell your child that you think the teacher will be able to find a school where they love to teach.  Encourage your child to write a letter.

If you really love this particular educator, do what you can do to help them exit gracefully.  Offer condolence and tell them how much you will miss them.  Remind them of how they helped your child grow.  Offer to write a recommendation or a letter that they can put in an interview portfolio.  Write an endorsement for them on LinkedIn.  Give them a gift to remember you by.

And don’t forget your Principal.  You may heartily disagree with their decision, but unless you have some solid evidence to the contrary, assume this has been difficult for them too.  A friend of mine told me once that letting people go was like eating raw sea urchin - painful and yucky.

You can use this difficult situation to either help a well-loved educator, or become a divisive force in your school community.  Your child is watching you.  Now is a time to be the adult you want them to be someday.