The Smile That Can Crack Your Face.

“I don’t understand. Why can’t you do better?”

That question.  We phrase the comments several different ways, asked them in many tones of voice, but they still carry the same message.  You’re not living up to my expectations.  Many of us heard it when we were children from the adults around us.  We may have even said it to our own children.  It’s a question that’s hard to get rid of but so unhelpful.  It’s a question that’s pretty near impossible to deliver with a smile.

“I don’t understand.  Why didn’t you turn in that assignment?”

After all, our parents knew us and we know our children.  We’ve heard the questions that they ask. We've picked up the books that they read.  We've seen the IQ score on the report. We've marveled at some comment that shows a greater maturity and insight than we thought was in that young head.  They should be able to do better.

“I don’t understand.  Didn’t you listen to the teacher when they told you what to do?”

ADHD throws a real monkey wrench in the works.  It’s now hard to tell what’s done “on purpose” and what’s done “because of the ADHD.”   We are looking for reasons to explain behavior that makes no sense.  We believe if we could only find the reason, we could find the single solution.  The reality is that there may be no single reason and no single solution.  In fact, there may be no perfect combination of solutions at all, rather a need to accept what is and learn how to adapt.

“I don’t understand……….”

When our children are born we may not realize it, but we have built-in expectations. Those include expectations of health, behavior, and achievement among other things.  ADHD wrecks many of those expectations.  One of the hardest but most important things to do is to smile at a child in the face of wrecked expectations with the intent to make new ones.  It may hurt to smile in that moment, but it can make all the difference in the way a child feels about him or herself. It can provide needed encouragement to pick everything up and try again.

“Thank you for telling me about the missing assignments.  It’s going to be alright.  Let’s sit down and make a plan to get them finished over the next few days.”

Follow me on Twitter @pam327 - FB at Pamela Mecca Seymour, LPC

ADHD and Lying

This is a biggie, and a real problem for many parents when it comes to ADHD and schoolwork. 

“Have you done that science project?”

“Yep, and handed it in.”

“Have you finished your English paper?”

“Yep, and handed it in.”

Note from teacher (usually by the time it’s really too late to make them up) - I’m missing these assignments...........

Follow-up results in some more disassembling - “I put it right on the desk, she must have lost it.”  OR  “I emailed it, his email must not be working.”  All attempts at finding the missing work are unsuccessful.

ARGGHHHH!!!

Some of you may be laughing or crying right now, because you know exactly what I’m talking about. 

So why does this happen?  In short, it’s a mal-adaptive way of dealing with being overwhelmed, and it’s a phenomena that is created by all whole host of executive functions coming up short.  First of all, we have the personal disorganization that results in the assignment being forgotten, or the rubric being lost (which your child needs because they really didn’t hear the multi-step directions due to inability to attend), or not keeping up with the calendar (“what day is it, anyway?”) So the assignment doesn’t get done, completed, and/or handed in on the right day.  Now stuff is starting to back up, so poor sense of time and inability to manage emotion lead to feeling overwhelmed.  Personal disorganization comes up again with a lack of necessary skills to plan to “dig out”.  More work backs up and the cycle repeats.  In the meantime, parents and teachers are asking (nagging) about getting everything done.  Because your child values short-term gain over long term reward (which requires perseverance), the illogical conclusion is to just tell everyone what they want to hear and hope that somehow it all works out / the next assignment has a better grade to make up for the zero / they will really get organized tomorrow / they will study really hard for the next test and get a 100 / or other sorts of magical thinking. 

This can get to be habitual and really devastating, so it’s important to address in a really practical, consistent way.  Some suggestions:

1.   Don’t condone or excuse the lying, but don’t focus on it as a character flaw.  People who feel that they are inherently “bad” don’t see a reason to try and improve.  A better approach is talk about how you will work together to end the need for lying because it damages relationships.

2.  When your child volunteers that they have assignments that are missing or incomplete, thank them for telling you. You want to encourage this.  It’s yet another way they have to admit they messed up which is difficult for all of us.  People with ADHD need to learn how to ask for appropriate help when they need it, and you are reinforcing that skill.

3.  Assume that stuff is sometimes going to get lost and that not all assignments are likely to get turned in on time.  It’s your reality, and your child’s reality, especially in middle school and high school.  Work to mitigate the problem as much as possible rather than deny that it’s ever going to happen.

4. If nobody else is doing it, keep track of back assignments and calendar their completion in a public place.  Follow up with the teacher immediately on the day they are supposed to be turned in to make sure they got there.  This often needs to happen into high school, and despite hearing from teachers that your child needs to be independent, your child needs that extra accommodation and it’s fine. 

5.  If you have a copier or scanner, ask your child everyday if they have a rubric, form, directions, or a completed assignment that they would like to copy.  Put the copy in a designated location and give them back the original.  Sometimes those assignments really do get lost and it’s good habit to have a back-up.  Scan or copy all important documents.

6. Talk to your children about ways to repair relationships that have been damaged by lying including teachers, friends, and you.  Often an apology note to the teacher with some steps your child is taking to avoid the problem in the future can go a long way.  Emphasize that relationships can be repaired.

It takes time to learn new habits.  If your child has started lying about schoolwork, it’s not going to stop overnight.  Your continuing positive approach can help turn the habit around and teach you how to live with your child and teach your child how to live with themselves.

Follow me on Twitter @pam327 - FB at Pamela Mecca Seymour, LPC

My Education Wish List for 2014

If I had a magic wand, this is what I would want to conjure for my colleagues and students in all of the schools I know and love, and all others beside:

1.  I would create an app that would bounce all ugly emails sent by parents to teachers between the hours of 9:30 PM and 6:30 AM.  Shame on you if you've done this.  I do not care if you were frustrated with the homework assignment, or if your child reports a story of the teacher saying something mean or doing something unfair.  In my experience at the other end of your damage, as I'm listening and handing out Kleenex and trying to convince the recipient of their value as a teacher, you usually only have about 1/2 the story correct.  Even if the teacher committed an egregious error, your responsibility as a parent is to request a meeting with the teacher and the principal to get all of the facts and present your side of the story.  If it's not worth a meeting, it's not worth an ugly email.
2.  While were at it, lets talk about parents and students that threaten or hurt teachers and other school personnel.  Maybe there should be some specifically stiff penalties for coming into a school and "cussing up" a teacher.  Why should the verbal or physical assault of a teacher be considered the same type of crime as what happens in a bar?  I have spent a relatively short time in schools in comparison to some, but I have been threatened, sworn at, bitten, kicked, hit, watched a phone switchboard smashed by a parent's fist, and had rocks thrown at me.  This list doesn't include kids under 6.  I think some additional criminal or civil penalties need to be considered for people that choose not to exercise self-control in a school - especially older children and adults.
3.  I would make sure everyone who comes to school in the morning has a tummy full of decent food.  I really hope I don't have to explain this any further.  Really.
4.  I would give students two assessments - one for mastery and one for effort.  I think we sort of do this now, but it's really not clear for children or parents.  A 90 on a spelling test means you could spell 90% of the words.  A high mark for effort means you finished all of the work completely and on-time.  Maybe as homework migrates more to the digital realm, there will actually be a way to keep track of how long it takes a student to master a task.  Some children need to SEE the link between the amount of time they spend and the resulting mastery.  If it takes a child an extra hour of practice to get a 90 on that test, shouldn't that effort be acknowledged ?  Not rewarded, but acknowledged in a formal measurable way.
5.  Children who are no longer working or making effort in school because they are discouraged would have some type of early warning system.  I firmly believe that if we can do a better job of detecting and intervening in this circumstance, we would be able to make a big difference.  We are so wrapped up in getting everyone through a certain amount of curriculum that we are often very quick to label a child unmotivated.  This is just another word for lazy, and it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy - especially when we get nervous that the work isn't done, and we start chewing at the child to "get going".  For those of us who do not generally have problems with motivation and a good work ethic, understanding how discouragement can effect effort takes a leap of understanding.  "Why don't they just DO it?"  But that difference in mindset and response to feedback makes a huge difference.  A concrete example:  I work with several children in my school using a computer-based program called Cogmed.  It's a bit of a mental boot-camp for five weeks and it can be very difficult.  I had one child who would become discouraged very easily - he was plain old discouraged with himself in general.  Cogmed somewhat mitigates that effect by offering audio feedback on right and wrong responses, and encouraging statements to keep the child going when the response isn't right.  One day none of this was working for him.  He was not hearing the encouragement,  just the sound the computer makes when he responded incorrectly.  So I turned the sound off.  Completely.  No way to know whether the answer was right or wrong.  I just told him to concentrate and do his best.  Not only did he work a lot faster, he also improved his score.  This is not the picture of a lazy child.  It's a picture of a discouraged child.  Change the feedback stream and you get a different result.  There are many ways to take this principle and apply it in the classroom.  (Please feel free to contact me if you need some........)
6.  I would make everyone in the North Carolina General Assembly, on the State School Board and the Governor spend a day in a regular classroom at an average school.  Better yet, lets make it a week.  I'm not talking about a 30 minute read-to-the-handpicked-kids photo-op.  No GT classes with super performing kids at a flagship school.  I'm talking at the 50th percentile.  I'm talking about showing up to meet the teacher at 0 dark 30 and staying the entire day.  Doing all of the duties, maybe even trying to give a lesson.  Reading all of the directives from DPI.  Sitting in on meetings with parents.  Sitting while the teacher does all of the paperwork and answers all of the email.  Leaving with the teacher at the end of the day.  I guess at that point we'll take a picture.  Maybe the hair will be a bit messy, the tie or scarf askew, a bit of food from the cafeteria on the shirt or blouse.  The teacher will go home at that point and probably do some more work.  Hopefully the legislator will go back to Raleigh and draft a bill that gives teachers a raise, improves funding for professional development, and shakes some money loose for aides and another school counselor.

But I'm just wishing here..........