My Child's Teacher is Talking About Retention. What Do We Do Now?

It's the time of the year when schools look at student progress and identify children who might need to repeat a grade.  Often they let parents know on the most recent report card or via a form letter.   If you are caught by surprise, it can throw you for a loop.  Here are some things that you can do to make sure you have a complete picture of your child's status, and also make sure that you know how to help.  It is incredibly important in this circumstance that you act positively and proactively.  Discussion about retention at this point in the year doesn't mean it's going to happen for sure, but it does mean there is a situation to be addressed and simultaneously monitored.  For the purposes of this article, I am mostly going to be talking to parents of children in grades K through 3.

1.  If you are caught by surprise, take some time to look at your child's report cards and test data from this year and last year.  Did the school indicate that there were concerns in the past?  Has your child missed many days of school, or often been late?  Has retention been discussed in prior years?  If so, what has the school done to improve your child's rate of success?  What have you done at home?  Gather everything together along with any relative emails or work examples from school, and go over it.  See if you can spot any trends or sudden changes in your child's performance.
2.  Schedule a conference with your child's teacher ASAP.  This is a conference for you to listen to what the teacher has to say, not to be defensive or to make demands.  You will want the answers to the following questions:

• "Why do you think retention is going to be in the best interest of my child?  How do you think it will benefit them?"  You are listening for answers that talk about extra time to mature, extra time to build skills, create better relationships with peers, etc.  You do not want to hear that the decision is being made based on something vague like "school policy."
• "What data is the school using to evaluate whether this is appropriate for my child?"  Make sure that the teacher has multiple data points.  Grades, work product, school screenings and test scores all fit together to paint a complete picture of your child.  One data point alone should never be used as a reason to retain a child.
• "What programs or services will the school be offering my child to help them for the rest of the year?"  Whatever the school is offering, it should fit with the problem that the child is having.  For example, is reading a concern?  The school should be talking about strategies and interventions that specifically address reading. 
• "Does my child need any evaluations from my pediatrician or the school psychologist?"  If the school suspects ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, a learning disability, or any other diagnosable issue, they should be willing to tell you now.  If you hear that they may suspect an issue, but they are vague about what it is or want to wait for an evaluation,  move onto step #3. 

3.  Make an appointment with your pediatrician.  Your pediatrician can look at the possibility of retention and help you rule out (or in) the following things that may be an issue in school:  hearing problems, vision problems, ADHD/ADD, developmental delays, and several other issues.  Bring the data that you have gathered as well as any other data that school has given you.  Request that your pediatrician make copies of all of their findings so that you can add them to your documents.  If your pediatrician feels that further evaluation needs to be done by a psychologist or psychiatrist to rule out specific issues, please follow their advice.  If the pediatrician feels that the school psychologist should do a psychoeducational evaluation, ask them to draft a letter to bring to school.
4.   Once you have gathered all of your data, go back to the school and ask for a specific, written plan covering what the school will do and what you will do between now and the end of the year.  Make sure that it's clear how often the plan will be monitored, and how that monitoring will occur.  Will you meet regularly?  Will you email?  Some schools have something called a Student Support Team (or something similar) that develops interventions based on solid research.  Those interventions are tried for a period of time and then the team meets to determine if they are effective or not.  Some schools write something called a Personal Education Plan (or PEP) for struggling students if they don't suspect they have a disability, but rather just need some intensive effort.  If the school suspects a disability, they will convene a team (which parents are a part of) to determine whether testing is necessary, and then to develop a plan based on the results.  Some schools refer to this as the "EC Process" some call it "Special Education", but both mean the same thing.
5.  Keep up your end of the bargain.  Make sure that your child is completing homework consistently.  Work on improving behavior if that is part of the equation.  Get help from additional providers if you need to.  School Counselors often have resources for extra help that they can give you.  Make sure your child is in school and on time every day.  School cannot be expected to improve your child to their potential if you don't help or ignore advice.
6.  Stay positive.  This is not about you.  It's not.  It's about your child.  For whatever reason, most of which is probably not the result of bad parenting, a poor school, (or any other excuse) your child is struggling right now.  And guess what else? They know it.  Even in Kindergarten.  They can see what other children in the class can do, and how much extra help they need.  More than anything, they need to know that the adults around them can give them the help they need to succeed.  You need to constantly communicate the idea that you are always proud of them for trying and that even though it's hard, you believe that their effort is going to be good enough.  Regardless of what happens.  And PLEASE......  Don't refer to retention as "failing the grade".  It's not failing.  Sometimes it's giving the gift of some extra time.  Something we all need every now and again.

Msg. me on FB at "Pamela Mecca Seymour, LPC" or on twitter @pam327.

ADHD and Lying

This is a biggie, and a real problem for many parents when it comes to ADHD and schoolwork. 

“Have you done that science project?”

“Yep, and handed it in.”

“Have you finished your English paper?”

“Yep, and handed it in.”

Note from teacher (usually by the time it’s really too late to make them up) - I’m missing these assignments...........

Follow-up results in some more disassembling - “I put it right on the desk, she must have lost it.”  OR  “I emailed it, his email must not be working.”  All attempts at finding the missing work are unsuccessful.

ARGGHHHH!!!

Some of you may be laughing or crying right now, because you know exactly what I’m talking about. 

So why does this happen?  In short, it’s a mal-adaptive way of dealing with being overwhelmed, and it’s a phenomena that is created by all whole host of executive functions coming up short.  First of all, we have the personal disorganization that results in the assignment being forgotten, or the rubric being lost (which your child needs because they really didn’t hear the multi-step directions due to inability to attend), or not keeping up with the calendar (“what day is it, anyway?”) So the assignment doesn’t get done, completed, and/or handed in on the right day.  Now stuff is starting to back up, so poor sense of time and inability to manage emotion lead to feeling overwhelmed.  Personal disorganization comes up again with a lack of necessary skills to plan to “dig out”.  More work backs up and the cycle repeats.  In the meantime, parents and teachers are asking (nagging) about getting everything done.  Because your child values short-term gain over long term reward (which requires perseverance), the illogical conclusion is to just tell everyone what they want to hear and hope that somehow it all works out / the next assignment has a better grade to make up for the zero / they will really get organized tomorrow / they will study really hard for the next test and get a 100 / or other sorts of magical thinking. 

This can get to be habitual and really devastating, so it’s important to address in a really practical, consistent way.  Some suggestions:

1.   Don’t condone or excuse the lying, but don’t focus on it as a character flaw.  People who feel that they are inherently “bad” don’t see a reason to try and improve.  A better approach is talk about how you will work together to end the need for lying because it damages relationships.

2.  When your child volunteers that they have assignments that are missing or incomplete, thank them for telling you. You want to encourage this.  It’s yet another way they have to admit they messed up which is difficult for all of us.  People with ADHD need to learn how to ask for appropriate help when they need it, and you are reinforcing that skill.

3.  Assume that stuff is sometimes going to get lost and that not all assignments are likely to get turned in on time.  It’s your reality, and your child’s reality, especially in middle school and high school.  Work to mitigate the problem as much as possible rather than deny that it’s ever going to happen.

4. If nobody else is doing it, keep track of back assignments and calendar their completion in a public place.  Follow up with the teacher immediately on the day they are supposed to be turned in to make sure they got there.  This often needs to happen into high school, and despite hearing from teachers that your child needs to be independent, your child needs that extra accommodation and it’s fine. 

5.  If you have a copier or scanner, ask your child everyday if they have a rubric, form, directions, or a completed assignment that they would like to copy.  Put the copy in a designated location and give them back the original.  Sometimes those assignments really do get lost and it’s good habit to have a back-up.  Scan or copy all important documents.

6. Talk to your children about ways to repair relationships that have been damaged by lying including teachers, friends, and you.  Often an apology note to the teacher with some steps your child is taking to avoid the problem in the future can go a long way.  Emphasize that relationships can be repaired.

It takes time to learn new habits.  If your child has started lying about schoolwork, it’s not going to stop overnight.  Your continuing positive approach can help turn the habit around and teach you how to live with your child and teach your child how to live with themselves.

Follow me on Twitter @pam327 - FB at Pamela Mecca Seymour, LPC

My Education Wish List for 2014

If I had a magic wand, this is what I would want to conjure for my colleagues and students in all of the schools I know and love, and all others beside:

1.  I would create an app that would bounce all ugly emails sent by parents to teachers between the hours of 9:30 PM and 6:30 AM.  Shame on you if you've done this.  I do not care if you were frustrated with the homework assignment, or if your child reports a story of the teacher saying something mean or doing something unfair.  In my experience at the other end of your damage, as I'm listening and handing out Kleenex and trying to convince the recipient of their value as a teacher, you usually only have about 1/2 the story correct.  Even if the teacher committed an egregious error, your responsibility as a parent is to request a meeting with the teacher and the principal to get all of the facts and present your side of the story.  If it's not worth a meeting, it's not worth an ugly email.
2.  While were at it, lets talk about parents and students that threaten or hurt teachers and other school personnel.  Maybe there should be some specifically stiff penalties for coming into a school and "cussing up" a teacher.  Why should the verbal or physical assault of a teacher be considered the same type of crime as what happens in a bar?  I have spent a relatively short time in schools in comparison to some, but I have been threatened, sworn at, bitten, kicked, hit, watched a phone switchboard smashed by a parent's fist, and had rocks thrown at me.  This list doesn't include kids under 6.  I think some additional criminal or civil penalties need to be considered for people that choose not to exercise self-control in a school - especially older children and adults.
3.  I would make sure everyone who comes to school in the morning has a tummy full of decent food.  I really hope I don't have to explain this any further.  Really.
4.  I would give students two assessments - one for mastery and one for effort.  I think we sort of do this now, but it's really not clear for children or parents.  A 90 on a spelling test means you could spell 90% of the words.  A high mark for effort means you finished all of the work completely and on-time.  Maybe as homework migrates more to the digital realm, there will actually be a way to keep track of how long it takes a student to master a task.  Some children need to SEE the link between the amount of time they spend and the resulting mastery.  If it takes a child an extra hour of practice to get a 90 on that test, shouldn't that effort be acknowledged ?  Not rewarded, but acknowledged in a formal measurable way.
5.  Children who are no longer working or making effort in school because they are discouraged would have some type of early warning system.  I firmly believe that if we can do a better job of detecting and intervening in this circumstance, we would be able to make a big difference.  We are so wrapped up in getting everyone through a certain amount of curriculum that we are often very quick to label a child unmotivated.  This is just another word for lazy, and it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy - especially when we get nervous that the work isn't done, and we start chewing at the child to "get going".  For those of us who do not generally have problems with motivation and a good work ethic, understanding how discouragement can effect effort takes a leap of understanding.  "Why don't they just DO it?"  But that difference in mindset and response to feedback makes a huge difference.  A concrete example:  I work with several children in my school using a computer-based program called Cogmed.  It's a bit of a mental boot-camp for five weeks and it can be very difficult.  I had one child who would become discouraged very easily - he was plain old discouraged with himself in general.  Cogmed somewhat mitigates that effect by offering audio feedback on right and wrong responses, and encouraging statements to keep the child going when the response isn't right.  One day none of this was working for him.  He was not hearing the encouragement,  just the sound the computer makes when he responded incorrectly.  So I turned the sound off.  Completely.  No way to know whether the answer was right or wrong.  I just told him to concentrate and do his best.  Not only did he work a lot faster, he also improved his score.  This is not the picture of a lazy child.  It's a picture of a discouraged child.  Change the feedback stream and you get a different result.  There are many ways to take this principle and apply it in the classroom.  (Please feel free to contact me if you need some........)
6.  I would make everyone in the North Carolina General Assembly, on the State School Board and the Governor spend a day in a regular classroom at an average school.  Better yet, lets make it a week.  I'm not talking about a 30 minute read-to-the-handpicked-kids photo-op.  No GT classes with super performing kids at a flagship school.  I'm talking at the 50th percentile.  I'm talking about showing up to meet the teacher at 0 dark 30 and staying the entire day.  Doing all of the duties, maybe even trying to give a lesson.  Reading all of the directives from DPI.  Sitting in on meetings with parents.  Sitting while the teacher does all of the paperwork and answers all of the email.  Leaving with the teacher at the end of the day.  I guess at that point we'll take a picture.  Maybe the hair will be a bit messy, the tie or scarf askew, a bit of food from the cafeteria on the shirt or blouse.  The teacher will go home at that point and probably do some more work.  Hopefully the legislator will go back to Raleigh and draft a bill that gives teachers a raise, improves funding for professional development, and shakes some money loose for aides and another school counselor.

But I'm just wishing here..........